Into the Wild

I'm not a very nature-y person. I definitely envy people who are wholesome and outdoorsy, like my sisters. People who hear the word "camping" and think "I'm going to have a great time" and not "I'm going to get eaten by a bear."

I have a completely irrational, totally stupid and yet entirely unyielding fear that I am going to eaten by a lion in a very particular way. And I have anxiety dreams about wild animals all the time, usually ones that involve me trying to Get Indoors and instead being singled out by said wild animals to be eaten.

My mom says she used to have similar dreams about tigers until she decided to "be the tiger." Her advice to me was to "be the lion." So sometimes I tell A, "I am the lion." It is not really helping yet.

Also, as anyone who has ever been outdoors with me knows, I don't like when things land on me, especially bugs (though this also extends to airplanes, etc.). Even lady bugs. I especially resent bugs that are "harmless" and therefore somehow to be welcomed in food, clothes, etc.

The last time I went "camping" I spent the entire weekend in our cabin watching re-runs of The West Wing.

So even though I like the idea of being outside in theory--like hiking is nice, if it's a pretty well-trafficked trail and I get to go home at the end--in reality, I am afraid of being outside. I don't even like some particularly not-domesticated parts of Central Park.

But tomorrow, in the spirit of doing things that are outside my comfort zone, I'm getting in a car with four friends for 8 hours or so and going camping in some place in northern Botswana that is best known for how desolate it is.

Also, there are lions. Wish me luck. See you Sunday.

One week to departure

Slept like a baby last night. Slept so soundly I don't even remember my dreams. I want to blame A for my bad sleep (we slept at different friends' apartments last night), but I had a lot of crazy dreams when I was at home in California without him, too. I think it's me.

After my four shots on Friday, I discovered I still need one more shot--yellow fever, for if we go to Rwanda or Tanzania. It's at least $125. (editor's note: it ended up costing $250.) The health budget grows and grows.

A started packing today, which made me nervous because I prefer to be the prepared one.

I cooked a bag of split peas for dinner that have been sitting in our cupboard for six months or so. As usual, was more excited by the prospect of making them than actually consuming the final product. Maybe it needs cream or something? They always just taste kind of bland to me. A didn't even try any, the bastard.

Finally, a not anxious dream!

Last night I dreamt that I was smitten kitchen's apprentice, and we were meeting with one of our students and her parents while I ate a bowl of frosting. I don't think that counts as an anxiety dream. Just an awesome one.

Maybe it helped that A, a medical student, gave me four shots last night--two in each arm. That was a distraction.

Three weeks to departure

(Photo via Flickr since I'm not actually in Botswana yet)

Three weeks to departure and I just swallowed my first typhoid vaccine pill. After taking any new kind of pill, I need to lie down immediately. I've found my anxiety about having an allergic reaction to new pills is so strong that I will begin to feel faint and imagine I am having trouble breathing. It's easier to just lie down right away and then in a half hour or so, I'll know my throat would have been closing up by now and that I'm probably going to be fine.

I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams, mostly about babies. First I dreamed an airplane crashed right next to my old apartment on the Upper West Side. It just stopped flying in mid-air, fell to the ground, paused dramatically, and then exploded into flames. A and I were nearby, and we ended up taking care of the one surviving person on the flight--an Indian orphan girl who had just been adopted by Westerners. Even though she wasn't that cute, we knew it was our responsibility to care for her. But we couldn't take her to Botswana, so we decided to leave her at the hospital.

I do actually have allergic reactions to some pills. Nothing serious, but I will get a rash or hives.

Then two nights ago I dreamed I was pregnant and could see the shape of the baby's foot coming out of my stomach when it kicked from inside. That was weird. And last night there was, again, some baby I was supposed to take care of.

I think about babies in the daytime, too, but not more than normal. Maybe the baby is a symbol of how nurturing I am, or a frantic attempt by my psyche to prevent me from traveling. Then again, my subconscious chose Southern Africa over the baby in the first dream, so...

Last night, we met up with J and Y, our predecessors in Botswana. They had nothing but good things to say, although Y did tell me not to bring my engagement ring (it has a pearl--no diamonds--A and I make constant self-conscious references to its cheapness). That was disappointing because it's pretty and fun to wear. I will probably bring it anyway and then regret it.

Other things they warned us about:

1) People often will simply request your clothing, jewelry, etc. I.e. "I like your shirt. Give me your shirt." This is coworkers, mind you, not random people on the street.

2) Driving is hard or complicated.

3) Finding housing is difficult.

4) Johannesburg and South Africa in general are a bad neighborhood (I stole that joke from The Onion).

5) People maybe aren't so into the Jews.

I think I've been lying here long enough that I can get up now.